You know what’s lame? When I take photos. Photography in general can be very revealing and vulnerable like nature in time. But what I do is worse than bad photography. When I walk around and see something gorgeous, a scene that is so beautiful I have to have it, so pure and bright, its color translucent and deep at the same, I have to have it, so I take a picture of it. On my crappy phone camera. and it makes me so so sad. Not only will I have this stupid shitty picture of a non-thing, high density pixels arranged by saturation and RGB number, but I actually felt I had to reach my hand into my pocket, take out this phone and frame a shot, like, Oh let me get this jussstt right . . .
I just did that about 15 minutes ago. I was crossing the lawn that had suddenly grown so lush and green, not just green, but in the way that nature imitates art, what we create, it was green, and I could feel the gentle rolling of the grass and its hidden sparse patches that are cold and bare with lowstrung strands of spidersilk, and I felt the sun pink and white gold sun filling the air with the color yellow, and that we were looking into this watery golden lens at the slow-wriggling photos of grass, and there was one of those moments when you know that trees are meant to be here, instead of whatever we built that ended up giving them context, and they are just so perfect because they don’t just grow out of the ground through a rough brown and grey clay-dusted mold but they play on it in patches and stripes of dark and light. I really wanted to stop, so, and I really wanted to keep that moment, so, I took a picture, and I think I kind of destroyed it.
I’m taking my laptop out here to write and describe it to you, but it’s verry cold. I can’t get over how opaline the sky is in the west at this time, blue and pink gold grey. Words are s o–i n s u f f i c i e n t—
My fingers are purple. The cold feels kind of good. Extremely painful. I think that’s can calm people down when they start dying of hypothermia or get frostbite.
Anyway, I meant to write about how sleepy I am because I stayed up all night last night half-doing what I was supposed to be doing and half finalizing arrangement for my summer trip to Paris (I use the word finalize loosely here), and how blurry everything looks. I still haven’t decided whether I’m going to go with a study abroad program and fork over $5200, or take some sort of French language course on my own and meet up with tons of people through language exchange sites and just hang out and see the city. The more I think of it, the more I think I’ll be happier with the latter, not having a real schedule and being able to enjoy a new and complex place. I may have made a decision here. More details later.
P.S. Am buying a camera, a nice one.
{ health faux-pas I have committed this past week }
• pulling an all-nighter •
• walking home in near-freezing temperatures during a downpour •
• eating only carbs, fat, sugar and caffeine (bean form) for energy •
NEW ! • sitting in 50° (what?? it felt colder!) weather while hands slowly turn a crispy blue • NEW !
